My Instagram is pretty well curated. I unashamedly unfollow or block accounts that post things I don’t want to look at. When it comes to social media, I don’t believe in ‘what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.’ I want pretty and bookish and whimsy…
So last week when I saw a post by an author I follow (but don’t know personally) detailing in ten slides or so ‘how great it is to be agented and traditionally published’ I went through a full range of emotions then closed the app. I was awash with emotions that ranged from concern (was she about to feel the full force of cancel-culture?) to disapproval (how tone-deaf can you be?)
I came to rest on mid-range envy tinged with sadness.
The likelihood of me ever attracting an agent/deal caused the envy and the sadness came from the knowledge that if I ever did (snag a deal) I would be too worried about upsetting someone else to celebrate it in such a public manner.
A few days later I tried to find the post again but couldn’t remember who the writer was.
I wanted to go back and like it, maybe even leave a comment to say ‘well done’ or ‘very inspiring.’
Then this week on Substack I got triggered again, by a very different post. I curate my experience on that platform too. I unfollow or hide any post about follower numbers or growth, any how-to-Substack posts or anything that reeks of bait. I’d love to say I took screen-shots of this post but instead I’ll give you the gist; ALL Parents should be doing everything they can to ensure the world is okay and if they aren’t then they’re bad people and shouldn’t have had kids in the first place.
At that moment, I learnt something about my knowledge of social media and what I’m calling my trigger style.
If I had been on Threads I would have rushed to the comments, knowing it would be chock-full of zingers. I actually deleted Threads from my phone because I could happily spend hours reading the world-class comedic responses and as my friend Alison Robson ‘Threads won’t play any part in my future success.’
If it was a post on Tik-Tok or X I wouldn’t have seen it because nope and yuck in that order. I’m too damn old for TikTok and I deleted my account when it was still called Twitter. If the post was on Instagram, the OP would be basking in the glow of the engagement caused by their rage bait.
But on Substack, 24 hours after posting, it had 5 likes and 0 comments. Rage bait isn’t going to work on Substack. So I weighed in. I wrote something like ‘I had the same opinion when I was a new mum and the truth is you can’t do everything. You do your best and raise your kid to do theirs.’
My trigger style is to befriend the poster, give them an opportunity to show their humanity and hopefully soften their original hard line stance. It works. Mostly. People see my offering them an olive branch and appreciate it. I’ve had some of my most heartfelt interactions on social media this way.
But no, this person wasn’t interested. They doubled down on their original post and I realised it was simple rage bait and Substackers weren’t having it.
So I blocked the OP. I don’t want to waste my time reading things posted to get a reaction. That’s what’s wrong with social media now. People post contrarian or hateful content to be a rise out of people. How boring!
Not on my Substack!
So what’s your trigger style? Are you a befriender like me or an avoider or controller? I can’t recall where I read this originally but I’ve thought about it a bit over the last few days. I think there are hybrids for example I’m a befriender with an avoidant shadow.
As a befriender, I like to be really nice to people and hope they see my humanity. It’s fawning to some extent, I guess. I maintain eye-contact, appeal to their humanity and give them an opportunity to explain their viewpoint but then I’ll cut and run if they get mean. So I fawn and if it doesn’t result in a mutually beneficial interaction, I flee. I guess I’m a lover not a fighter! A controller would probably be the fighter. Ironically, irl, I’m more inclined to stand my ground and get loud if I have to.
I presented a workshop in Brisbane this week for Women Writers Queensland. It was lovely. There is nothing quite like the sound of writers scratching away in their notebooks. Teaching workshops is my happy place.
I had a great day yesterday. It started with a massage then breakfast with my husband who has been working a lot of hours to install new machinery and cover for our son who is off on a well-deserved vacation. Then I walked 12km around Coolangatta and Tweed and had a cuppa at Black Dingo cafe overlooking the very blustery Pacific Ocean.
I’m walking 122km in March both as training for the Camino de Santiago and as a fundraiser for Orange Sky.
Then I had dinner and a long convo about life, writing and everything in between last night with a wonderful friend. I was feeling so happy when I went to bed. I am so grateful for amazing friends, especially the writers and other creators who truly understand what it’s like to live a creative life.
So imagine my shock when I’ve woken up with my old nemesis – dread. I haven’t truly experienced this level of dread since January 2019 when I woke up with this thought on my mind – What if it never rains again. I mean, wtf?
This instalment of dread is all related to our almost-decided postponement of our Camino trip. I’m scared. At present we’re booked on a flight to transit through Dubai. I don’t want to be one of those people who goes overseas during a crisis then demands to be rescued by the Australian government.
War is the most pointless thing anyway but when it’s being waged by religious zealots who think they’re fulfilling some kind of prophecy it makes my skin crawl.
Now that I’ve identified the source of the dread (through my morning journaling) I’ve got a handle on it. It’s okay to be scared but I’m resisting the urge to make a decision right now. I’m triggered again and this time there’s no point in trying to befriend anything, to control or even to pretend it’s not happening. All I can do is wait and make the best decision at the time when the time is right.
After all, I’ve wanted to do this walk for 30+ years. If I have to postpone for a few months it’s not the end of the world… is it?
Is it?
