This last couple of weeks has been a bit cray-cray, n’est ce pas? A veritable rollercoaster ride… Highs and lows, a bit of low-key nausea, some screaming.
Pause for laughter.
I wrote a long post out that was part passive-aggressive rant, part zen koan, and when I read it back I decided I was being a massive idiot. But it was a vent and I felt a bit better afterwards. Then after a chat with a lovely friend yesterday, I gained some perspective and deleted it all. I’m just a tiny bit aggro. Women aren’t usually allowed to be angry. It took me months of therapy – actually it was over a year – to be able to even allow myself to ‘feel’ anger, let alone expressing it. So admitting to feeling a little bit angry at not being able to see my family and friends is still quite a big thing for me.
When I came home I sat in meditation for a while. I’d fallen off the meditation wagon to some extent over the past month. I’ve been getting up early to exercise, write my words for Nanowrimo and journal but I got out of the habit of doing my seated meditation for 20 minutes each morning. I am always rabbiting on about the wonders of journaling but the truth is, without my seated meditation I am a bit of a lunatic.
History may not repeat itself but it often rhymes, to butcher a maxim often attributed to Mark Twain.
When I stop meditating the same thing happens every time, so why do I stop? Ditto the journaling. We all do it though. We drink too much, avoid exercise, do stupid things we know are against our better judgement… it’s only human.
Dr Michael Lennox, my go-to guy for astrology says that right now we have the opportunity to “untether from our past.” We’re supported and challenged right now to “move away from past versions of ourselves,” but we have to play our part as well. The energy is there but we have to pick up the tools, the journaling, the meditation, the body work, therapy… and do the work. It won’t happen by osmosis. It’s up to us to put on our big-girl-pants and grow up.
Part of this shit show we call growing up (See Ken Wilber’s Lines/ streams/ Intelligences) means learning to recognise that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes, and anger is okay- even for women! It’s okay to feel whatever you want to feel! I had to write this here because we’re not all taught this as kids.
It can be healthy, especially when everything is a bit cray-cray. As my sister (hello my love!) said yesterday, you wouldn’t be sane if you weren’t feeling a bit stressed by current events. I’d go as far as saying looking at the ridiculous politicians and dire fucking state of the world, if you’re not even a tiny bit angry, you’re just not paying attention.