What am I bringing to the table?

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I’m getting mighty sick of people saying women don’t listen to Joe Rogan. To be fair, I’m not a subscriber; I pick and choose the episodes I consume. I am not interested in his fighting eps and I vowed to stay away as much as possible from US politics last year and that self-imposed moritorium still stands, so I sift through his conversations for ones that will interest me.

I don’t subscribe to many podcasts. Let me see…I have subscribed to Julia Gillard’s A Podcast of One’s Own, The Guilty Feminist, The Creative Penn, The Australian Writers’ Centre ‘So you want to be a Writer’, and Heavyweight. I recommend them all. There’s a couple about Feminism, a couple about writing and one about regrets. Seems about right…

What am I bringing to the table? Like Russell, I still feel connected to that little girl who never felt good enough. In fact my teacher is encouraging the connection. I get to re-parent the little-girl-lost. Sorry, that sounds so dramatic; I had a pretty good childhood and I understand that I am exactly where I am supposed to be (really?) but I can’t shake the feeling that I could be doing more, could have done more, if I’d prepared more in my younger years.

Is this why I am so frantic now? I’d be more frantic if I didn’t meditate! Perish the thought!

I read a quote recently that was something like ‘be the person who does things, not a person who looks like they do things‘ or whatever the fuck it said. It felt like a bit of pseudo-psychological clap-trap but it hit a nerve somewhere deep inside. In the Dream Job, I was a person who did a lot and but always felt I was skimming life. I was spread so thin professionally that I never felt effective, but everyone around me was so impressed by my output that I just stayed on the hamster wheel. If I hadn’t bailed when I did I would have burnt out for sure.

I’m pretty damn productive now, but I’m craving depth.

I am addicted to writing this blog because it feels like meaningful work but I read back over my previous blogs and although I promised myself a deep-dive here, I am skating.

Feature Photo by Wil Stewart on Unsplash

2 Replies to “What am I bringing to the table?”

  1. Are you really skating, though? It seems to me, a humble outsider, that you’re digging deep in many of these posts. Perhaps you feel there are greater depths to plumb, but that doesn’t make what you’ve produced shallow. I thoroughly admire your openness. Thank you for sharing what you do xx

    Liked by 1 person

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